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Thursday, October 30, 2008 @ 3:43 AM
"i've got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match" (Stump, 2008).
my heart tells me one thing, while my brain tells me another. always follow your heart, they say, but it isn't easy. it never is. i just hope i can pull myself out of this mess, even if i have to do it alone, or even if things don't turn out right in the end. i'm willing to lose this. lose the wall we built up, brick by brick. only if you want me to.
i know i'm losing you, and it fucking sucks. but what can i do? who am i to tell you what is right? who am i to tell you who to listen to? i may not follow my heart, but follow yours and do what you think is best. please. before i crumble any further.
i've always wondered if i would make it. i told myself i would, but my low self-esteem and jealousy issues constantly brought me down over and over, time and time again. then i read something awe-inspiring and just so amazing that it just makes me want to try again.
and it's times like those that i feel that i can be who i want to be, only if i try.
floating flocks of candled swans slowly drift across wax ponds.
i'm a locked up box and no one can open it save for the certain few with the correct set of keys hanging around their necks. will i always be like this?
when do i learn?
*
musings aside, i am deeply disgusted by news of constant acts of pedophilia by people that cannot be anything other than sick in the head.
thank you, news.com.au. it beats StarOnline by miles - very informative with odd stories of bizarre happenings regularly thrown into the mix.
it rudely yanks you out of the world you know, turns it around and dumps you back in, making you see life in a whole new light.
it's okay if you're an antisocial loser and you're currently not doing anything except moping around at home on your computer. it's okay if you didn't win a competition that you spent days working on. it's okay if you didn't get red carpet ticks to the awards show. it's okay if you're not going to the awards show. it's okay if you missed a concert of a band you love. it's okay if you lost fifty bucks. it's okay if you missed a sale at GAP. it's okay if your brother ate all the Oreos and left you none. it's okay if you don't have any friends. it's okay, because you're still alive. and you'd better cherish life while you can.
rest in peace, Lizzie. you didn't deserve to go this young. no one does. you'll be dearly missed, and i'm sure you're in a better place devoid of suffering right now. we love you.
just a little push was all i needed to wake up and realize that what i thought was everything wasn't everything, and that i can live with what i have right now.
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
hundreds of Malaysians surely are up, waiting up anxiously to watch the euro 2008 finals that are going on tonight, regardless of the late hour. doubtlessly, many are going to turn up late, or not turn up at all for school or work tomorrow.
just four hours ago, i remember my uncle making a pact with his son that if Spain won, he could skip school, and if Spain lost, it would be otherwise. it was made over plates of steaming white rice, five dishes placed smack in the middle of the table (the curry fish head was scrumptious, by the way), all of it to be washed down with several cups of bitter chinese tea, just the way the parents like it.
and teachers blame students for tardiness. hah.
my brother plans to set up camp downstairs soon. i say, the mosquitoes are going to have fun tonight.
i never managed to catch a Portugal match this season. i refuse to watch tonight's final, just for the fact that they got eliminated early, although i am secretly hoping Spain kicks Germany's butt, because i want revenge.
Shit, the movie was awesome, as was the music. (WARNING = SPOILERS AHEAD)
Sure, the plot was a little cliche. Girl loses mom at a young age, girl thinks she fits in with a certain street-dance crowd, girl gets told off by guardian for breaking rules and being rebellious, girl is given an ultimatum : leave Baltimore for Texas to stay with her aunt OR take a dance course at MSA (with the help of cameo Channing Tatum aka Tyler). Girl then risks her relationship with her usual crowd by helplessly fitting in with the people at her school. Eventually her friends ditch her, and the girl goes crying to her new friends - one of which is a very hot Chase Collins aka. Robert Hoffman aka superjock of MSA.
Bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda, add some dance-bonding time with new friends in between, and TADAAAAAAA you come to the very predictable ending.
Meh, the plot was kind of disappointing. I knew what was going to happen since the start of the movie, but what made me stay was the music and the dance moves. Heck, the main theme of the movie (that low low low low song) is still playing over and over in my head.
I'm downloading the soundtrack as I type this, imagining the dances in my head.
... What I wouldn't give to have dance moves like that.
I keep thinking about the future, and I keep asking myself what if, so much to the point that I think about it all the time, whenever I space out or whenever i'm in the car.
And then i'll think of something negative and i'll break out in goosebumps or a cold sweat.
"Don't think about it. Live it." He tells me, and I can only agree.
If only you were here with me to push me in the right direction.
the panic! at the disco website is a total mystery. it was last week or the week before that or so that the site was wiped clean. then they put a puzzle there that we had to solve, while they left subtle messages for us via the site's codings.
then, they put a picture of a puzzle smack in the middle of the page with a missing puzzle piece.
and now, in place of the missing puzzle piece is only this set of numbers, (which i think is most probably a date) 01:01:08, AND when you hover your mouse over the first puzzle piece, a short clip will be played.
it's a mystery.
Jonathan Jacob Walker, you should stop teasing us all. it's not very nice.
"i've got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match" (Stump, 2008).
my heart tells me one thing, while my brain tells me another. always follow your heart, they say, but it isn't easy. it never is. i just hope i can pull myself out of this mess, even if i have to do it alone, or even if things don't turn out right in the end. i'm willing to lose this. lose the wall we built up, brick by brick. only if you want me to.
i know i'm losing you, and it fucking sucks. but what can i do? who am i to tell you what is right? who am i to tell you who to listen to? i may not follow my heart, but follow yours and do what you think is best. please. before i crumble any further.
i've always wondered if i would make it. i told myself i would, but my low self-esteem and jealousy issues constantly brought me down over and over, time and time again. then i read something awe-inspiring and just so amazing that it just makes me want to try again.
and it's times like those that i feel that i can be who i want to be, only if i try.
floating flocks of candled swans slowly drift across wax ponds.
i'm a locked up box and no one can open it save for the certain few with the correct set of keys hanging around their necks. will i always be like this?
when do i learn?
*
musings aside, i am deeply disgusted by news of constant acts of pedophilia by people that cannot be anything other than sick in the head.
thank you, news.com.au. it beats StarOnline by miles - very informative with odd stories of bizarre happenings regularly thrown into the mix.
it rudely yanks you out of the world you know, turns it around and dumps you back in, making you see life in a whole new light.
it's okay if you're an antisocial loser and you're currently not doing anything except moping around at home on your computer. it's okay if you didn't win a competition that you spent days working on. it's okay if you didn't get red carpet ticks to the awards show. it's okay if you're not going to the awards show. it's okay if you missed a concert of a band you love. it's okay if you lost fifty bucks. it's okay if you missed a sale at GAP. it's okay if your brother ate all the Oreos and left you none. it's okay if you don't have any friends. it's okay, because you're still alive. and you'd better cherish life while you can.
rest in peace, Lizzie. you didn't deserve to go this young. no one does. you'll be dearly missed, and i'm sure you're in a better place devoid of suffering right now. we love you.
just a little push was all i needed to wake up and realize that what i thought was everything wasn't everything, and that i can live with what i have right now.
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
hundreds of Malaysians surely are up, waiting up anxiously to watch the euro 2008 finals that are going on tonight, regardless of the late hour. doubtlessly, many are going to turn up late, or not turn up at all for school or work tomorrow.
just four hours ago, i remember my uncle making a pact with his son that if Spain won, he could skip school, and if Spain lost, it would be otherwise. it was made over plates of steaming white rice, five dishes placed smack in the middle of the table (the curry fish head was scrumptious, by the way), all of it to be washed down with several cups of bitter chinese tea, just the way the parents like it.
and teachers blame students for tardiness. hah.
my brother plans to set up camp downstairs soon. i say, the mosquitoes are going to have fun tonight.
i never managed to catch a Portugal match this season. i refuse to watch tonight's final, just for the fact that they got eliminated early, although i am secretly hoping Spain kicks Germany's butt, because i want revenge.
Shit, the movie was awesome, as was the music. (WARNING = SPOILERS AHEAD)
Sure, the plot was a little cliche. Girl loses mom at a young age, girl thinks she fits in with a certain street-dance crowd, girl gets told off by guardian for breaking rules and being rebellious, girl is given an ultimatum : leave Baltimore for Texas to stay with her aunt OR take a dance course at MSA (with the help of cameo Channing Tatum aka Tyler). Girl then risks her relationship with her usual crowd by helplessly fitting in with the people at her school. Eventually her friends ditch her, and the girl goes crying to her new friends - one of which is a very hot Chase Collins aka. Robert Hoffman aka superjock of MSA.
Bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda, add some dance-bonding time with new friends in between, and TADAAAAAAA you come to the very predictable ending.
Meh, the plot was kind of disappointing. I knew what was going to happen since the start of the movie, but what made me stay was the music and the dance moves. Heck, the main theme of the movie (that low low low low song) is still playing over and over in my head.
I'm downloading the soundtrack as I type this, imagining the dances in my head.
... What I wouldn't give to have dance moves like that.
I keep thinking about the future, and I keep asking myself what if, so much to the point that I think about it all the time, whenever I space out or whenever i'm in the car.
And then i'll think of something negative and i'll break out in goosebumps or a cold sweat.
"Don't think about it. Live it." He tells me, and I can only agree.
If only you were here with me to push me in the right direction.
the panic! at the disco website is a total mystery. it was last week or the week before that or so that the site was wiped clean. then they put a puzzle there that we had to solve, while they left subtle messages for us via the site's codings.
then, they put a picture of a puzzle smack in the middle of the page with a missing puzzle piece.
and now, in place of the missing puzzle piece is only this set of numbers, (which i think is most probably a date) 01:01:08, AND when you hover your mouse over the first puzzle piece, a short clip will be played.
it's a mystery.
Jonathan Jacob Walker, you should stop teasing us all. it's not very nice.
