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Thursday, October 30, 2008 @ 3:43 AM
"i've got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match" (Stump, 2008).
my heart tells me one thing, while my brain tells me another. always follow your heart, they say, but it isn't easy. it never is. i just hope i can pull myself out of this mess, even if i have to do it alone, or even if things don't turn out right in the end. i'm willing to lose this. lose the wall we built up, brick by brick. only if you want me to.
i know i'm losing you, and it fucking sucks. but what can i do? who am i to tell you what is right? who am i to tell you who to listen to? i may not follow my heart, but follow yours and do what you think is best. please. before i crumble any further.
i feel so bloody empty, now that everything i've been looking forward to for the past two or three months is over.
it's like someone shoved the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner down my throat and then hit the 'On' button, sucking all my guts out including my broken heart.
I get so uncomfortable in certain situations sometimes.
I mean, I can't really decipher what the hell i'm going through, but it's sort of a mixture between disgust, hate and annoyance and the feeling's so strong that it makes my skin crawl and usually the best way to make it go away is to stuff my iPod earphones into my ears and blast My Chemical Romance or Linkin Park at the highest volume my ears can take.
I've been getting that feeling a lot lately. Some certain people just don't get the meaning of "personal space" or "privacy".
I just don't know how to tell someone. Maybe over a serving of chilli and cheese fries from Carls. Jr? :)
I really miss my best friends. I do. Nowadays, I rarely ever see Andrew, or Kai Sin, or Yee Lin, or Ka Peng (KA PENG!) or Tian Yi - but I keep accidentally calling him on a daily basis because I always forget to lock my phone and his name's at the top of my list AND HE'S STILL TOTALLY FINE ABOUT IT, bless him. Adam, if you ever read this, you rock socks man. Seriously. I am sorry for all the trouble and pain i've caused you HAHA. We should all get together one day. Yes. We should. God, I wonder what I'd do without Joan, Huai, Terence, WL, Lynette and Mugen. Love you guys lots and lots and lots.
I miss you guys. A lot. It seems to get worse by the day. It's like i'm homesick or something. It's like, you guys were my family. For two years. And now my family's ... separated. Not gone, hopefully. I'm having a bout of friendsickness, maybe? *insert teary pout here*
In the meantime, I shall sit here, red and sunburned, and reminisce of all the times we've had together for the gazillionth time.
That's Andrew. And that's Dereck who could have possibly prevented Andrew from celebrating any future Father's Day. And yes, that's me who's laughing. I was laughing so hard and I sounded like I was crying. Well, I practically was. It was so funny :P
The distance between us is growing further and further. I don't even feel like I know you any more, even though i've known you for a long time. You're still the same, yet different at the same time. Confusing, ain't it?
But we'll wait for you. We always will. No matter what.
Even though i'm sitting in this cluttered hall, surrounded by two computers, two huge printers (both black and white, unfortunately) and my dad, who's sitting at the computer beside mine, I can't help but sigh as I hear the loud pitter-patter of rain over the enhanced voice of Justin Timberlake singing "I'm bringing SexyBack".
I've never particularly liked rain, especially the thunder and lightning that comes with it most of the time. Someone told me this story once, about a boy who slept with his windows open. One night, when there was a thunderstorm, somehow the lightning struck the boy while he was asleep. Early next morning, his parents found him dead on his bed. Ever since then, I've always slept with the windows and mosquito net shut and curtains drawn closed.
It's still raining now. I wish Candy was here with me, sleeping at my feet. She hates rainy days too. She hides behind the shoe cupboard as soon as the first rumble of thunder is heard, and she'll whine like no tomorrow. Maybe she feels alone too, wishing there were someone there with her to keep her company and to calm her nerves. If only mom would let her live in the house. Then both of us can keep each other company.
We had English class early in the morning today. Miss. Catherine chatted with us for awhile about the Hello event and the "mentor-mentee" system. She told us about this boy in diploma who stood out among the rest because he was kind of ... queer. I wonder who that boy is. We've never seen him around before. Maybe one day we shall.
Someone's car overheated and he came pretty late... I think I forgot who that was. *coughs briefly*
And yeah, before I forget, Jason, Geoff and I shall be going around on Monday, taking photos and documenting our day. (So some of you also better pose and act for us okay! :D) I think so.
:( I don't think i'll be going anywhere tomorrow. Sob sob. Another boring day at home!! Maybe i'll pictures, then?
We shall see.
'Til then, see ya soon :)
p/s: i just felt like writing like this. i have no idea why. but someone said when i write like this i sound as if i'm someone like enid blyton. -_- enid fucking blyton. what the hell????
Falling.
Falling faster, barely breathing, give me something to believe in; tell me it's not all in my head...
mixed up thoughts right in there with my busy schedule and loads of uncertainities.
whatever lah i just wanna go out tomorrow can :( ish. sorry for my slight emo spell. =( emo stuff deleted now.
*pouts*
ugh. fucking russell peter bumfluff. its getting to me :(
I don't care what people say about Criss Angel - that he's fake and everything he does is all planned and stuff. THIS. IS. UN. EXPLAINABLE.
Confused Cupcake.
I'm not in the mood to write today. I just wish there was a cure for writers' block or moodlessness. (Is that even a fucking word?)
You know, today, among all the rush to complete our assignments, I was telling Donkey and the Pelican about Australia and stuff, and about how I want to take a Journalism degree in Australia. And this question Geoff asked me really made me think.
somewhere along the lines of :- "How sure are you that you want to take journalism?" "What do you mean?" "From your blog and all, you once said that you were confused about what you wanted to take."
And yeah, I was. Confused. Heck, I still am.
I want to write. I really want to. I can see myself in a few years at one of Malaysia's many magazines, writing and designing to my hearts' content. (If they let me, of course.) I DON'T KNOW WHAT DEGREE TO CHOOSE. *groans inwardly* We'll see when the time comes.
Anyway, there's still so much to do. I've got a fanfic that I don't feel like completing and a book to finish.
YAY. Terence is taking us out for Japanese buffet at Shogun this Saturday!!! Love love loves!!!!!!
Theres no kindness in your eyes The way you look at me, it's just not right I can tell whats going on this time Theres a stranger in my life You're not the person that I once knew Are you scared to let them know it's you? If they could only see you like I do Then they would see a stranger too
maybe it's me, maybe it's you. but whatever it is, we're different. it's all different. what do i have to do to bring it all back?
"i've got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match" (Stump, 2008).
my heart tells me one thing, while my brain tells me another. always follow your heart, they say, but it isn't easy. it never is. i just hope i can pull myself out of this mess, even if i have to do it alone, or even if things don't turn out right in the end. i'm willing to lose this. lose the wall we built up, brick by brick. only if you want me to.
i know i'm losing you, and it fucking sucks. but what can i do? who am i to tell you what is right? who am i to tell you who to listen to? i may not follow my heart, but follow yours and do what you think is best. please. before i crumble any further.
i feel so bloody empty, now that everything i've been looking forward to for the past two or three months is over.
it's like someone shoved the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner down my throat and then hit the 'On' button, sucking all my guts out including my broken heart.
I get so uncomfortable in certain situations sometimes.
I mean, I can't really decipher what the hell i'm going through, but it's sort of a mixture between disgust, hate and annoyance and the feeling's so strong that it makes my skin crawl and usually the best way to make it go away is to stuff my iPod earphones into my ears and blast My Chemical Romance or Linkin Park at the highest volume my ears can take.
I've been getting that feeling a lot lately. Some certain people just don't get the meaning of "personal space" or "privacy".
I just don't know how to tell someone. Maybe over a serving of chilli and cheese fries from Carls. Jr? :)
I really miss my best friends. I do. Nowadays, I rarely ever see Andrew, or Kai Sin, or Yee Lin, or Ka Peng (KA PENG!) or Tian Yi - but I keep accidentally calling him on a daily basis because I always forget to lock my phone and his name's at the top of my list AND HE'S STILL TOTALLY FINE ABOUT IT, bless him. Adam, if you ever read this, you rock socks man. Seriously. I am sorry for all the trouble and pain i've caused you HAHA. We should all get together one day. Yes. We should. God, I wonder what I'd do without Joan, Huai, Terence, WL, Lynette and Mugen. Love you guys lots and lots and lots.
I miss you guys. A lot. It seems to get worse by the day. It's like i'm homesick or something. It's like, you guys were my family. For two years. And now my family's ... separated. Not gone, hopefully. I'm having a bout of friendsickness, maybe? *insert teary pout here*
In the meantime, I shall sit here, red and sunburned, and reminisce of all the times we've had together for the gazillionth time.
That's Andrew. And that's Dereck who could have possibly prevented Andrew from celebrating any future Father's Day. And yes, that's me who's laughing. I was laughing so hard and I sounded like I was crying. Well, I practically was. It was so funny :P
The distance between us is growing further and further. I don't even feel like I know you any more, even though i've known you for a long time. You're still the same, yet different at the same time. Confusing, ain't it?
But we'll wait for you. We always will. No matter what.
Even though i'm sitting in this cluttered hall, surrounded by two computers, two huge printers (both black and white, unfortunately) and my dad, who's sitting at the computer beside mine, I can't help but sigh as I hear the loud pitter-patter of rain over the enhanced voice of Justin Timberlake singing "I'm bringing SexyBack".
I've never particularly liked rain, especially the thunder and lightning that comes with it most of the time. Someone told me this story once, about a boy who slept with his windows open. One night, when there was a thunderstorm, somehow the lightning struck the boy while he was asleep. Early next morning, his parents found him dead on his bed. Ever since then, I've always slept with the windows and mosquito net shut and curtains drawn closed.
It's still raining now. I wish Candy was here with me, sleeping at my feet. She hates rainy days too. She hides behind the shoe cupboard as soon as the first rumble of thunder is heard, and she'll whine like no tomorrow. Maybe she feels alone too, wishing there were someone there with her to keep her company and to calm her nerves. If only mom would let her live in the house. Then both of us can keep each other company.
We had English class early in the morning today. Miss. Catherine chatted with us for awhile about the Hello event and the "mentor-mentee" system. She told us about this boy in diploma who stood out among the rest because he was kind of ... queer. I wonder who that boy is. We've never seen him around before. Maybe one day we shall.
Someone's car overheated and he came pretty late... I think I forgot who that was. *coughs briefly*
And yeah, before I forget, Jason, Geoff and I shall be going around on Monday, taking photos and documenting our day. (So some of you also better pose and act for us okay! :D) I think so.
:( I don't think i'll be going anywhere tomorrow. Sob sob. Another boring day at home!! Maybe i'll pictures, then?
We shall see.
'Til then, see ya soon :)
p/s: i just felt like writing like this. i have no idea why. but someone said when i write like this i sound as if i'm someone like enid blyton. -_- enid fucking blyton. what the hell????
Falling.
Falling faster, barely breathing, give me something to believe in; tell me it's not all in my head...
mixed up thoughts right in there with my busy schedule and loads of uncertainities.
whatever lah i just wanna go out tomorrow can :( ish. sorry for my slight emo spell. =( emo stuff deleted now.
*pouts*
ugh. fucking russell peter bumfluff. its getting to me :(
I don't care what people say about Criss Angel - that he's fake and everything he does is all planned and stuff. THIS. IS. UN. EXPLAINABLE.
Confused Cupcake.
I'm not in the mood to write today. I just wish there was a cure for writers' block or moodlessness. (Is that even a fucking word?)
You know, today, among all the rush to complete our assignments, I was telling Donkey and the Pelican about Australia and stuff, and about how I want to take a Journalism degree in Australia. And this question Geoff asked me really made me think.
somewhere along the lines of :- "How sure are you that you want to take journalism?" "What do you mean?" "From your blog and all, you once said that you were confused about what you wanted to take."
And yeah, I was. Confused. Heck, I still am.
I want to write. I really want to. I can see myself in a few years at one of Malaysia's many magazines, writing and designing to my hearts' content. (If they let me, of course.) I DON'T KNOW WHAT DEGREE TO CHOOSE. *groans inwardly* We'll see when the time comes.
Anyway, there's still so much to do. I've got a fanfic that I don't feel like completing and a book to finish.
YAY. Terence is taking us out for Japanese buffet at Shogun this Saturday!!! Love love loves!!!!!!
Theres no kindness in your eyes The way you look at me, it's just not right I can tell whats going on this time Theres a stranger in my life You're not the person that I once knew Are you scared to let them know it's you? If they could only see you like I do Then they would see a stranger too
maybe it's me, maybe it's you. but whatever it is, we're different. it's all different. what do i have to do to bring it all back?
